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Matilda
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Joined: 5 Sep 2011
Posts: 2
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#1 · Posted: 5 Sep 2011 01:44
as a mother of 4 kids and 1 is getting worst, how many times would you give your daughter a chance?
my story goes something like this. my teenage daughter (16 years old ) has been in and out of the rehab center for drug addiction. if i remember it correctly she has been in and out for about 5 times now.
when she goes out of the rehab, all is well. but a week after, she goes back to her same doing. hangging out with those same people. no matter what i say "dont talk to those people.." "dont go near those people" somehow she always end up with them.
my other daughters (22 and 27 *years old*) told me that i should kick her out, but no! they dont understand.. as a mother we always give our children a chance, hoping that they will chance..
then i suddenly realized that i was too much of a fool if i will fall for her drama. no matter how sick i am of it i still cant think that i will ditch her when she needs me.
help.. 
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Vishal P. Rao
Joined: 23 Jun 2005
Posts: 1354
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#2 · Posted: 5 Sep 2011 02:14 · Edited by: Vishal P. Rao
Being a mother, you simply don't have a limit to the number of chances you can give your daughter.
Your daughter simply needs more love and attention from you.
If you tell a child not to do something, chances are that he/she will most likely attempt to do that. That is how a human mind works. Now that doesn't mean you advise someone to do something wrong. Your aim to should be to find why the other person is doing something wrong.
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Matilda
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#3 · Posted: 5 Sep 2011 02:44
i know.. but i want her to learn also.. i want her to be responsible of her actions.. coz what if i die, i cant forever back her up..
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Vishal P. Rao
Joined: 23 Jun 2005
Posts: 1354
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#4 · Posted: 5 Sep 2011 05:27
There is a time for everything. Nothing happens before/after the time. Just have patience, have trust in the almighty and give here all your love and attention. It'll create the necessary foundation for her to cope up in later life.
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mountainmom5
Joined: 30 Aug 2007
Posts: 3097
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#5 · Posted: 6 Sep 2011 01:01
Vishal is right. As a mom of five myself, our kids need to know we are there for them. Spend extra time with her and love her. Create a safe place for her where she knows she is loved and ask God to help you and her.
Very likely the reasons she keeps going back to them is because she wants to belong somewhere where no one expects anything from her. That is what teenagers seem to want. So if you can create that environment for her at home, she may want to hang out with you more.... hugs!
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weebitty
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Joined: 8 Mar 2010
Posts: 312
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#6 · Posted: 6 Sep 2011 13:00
I have a different view of the situation. I have raised two girls myself and they didn't get into trouble other than the normal stuff. I guess it was different back then in the 70's and 80's. However I didn't trust them at all. I was very watchful. I raised them to be independent and self reliant. I have seen parents give the world to their kids and they turn out to be rotten, spoiled and of no use to themselves or anyone else. Other kids have rotten parents and turn out to be great people. If a child knows that they can keep doing what they are doing and have a place to keep coming back to what does that tell them? Yes you can love them but not be an enabler? What are the consequences of their actions? What do the counslers that counsil her advise her to do? We as parents have a tough job no doubt and we arn't perfect as I use to tell my kids but I always did the best I could for them.
Children need to know how to make choices and know there are consequences to each one. So you can paint a scenario to them and give them a picture and ask what they would choose to do? the problem with children I see now a days is they don't think before they do something. Even with that they make the wrong decision but at least you taught them how to make those choices and they will have to learn a painful lesson before they learn something.
This is just my opinon. I am sure people wouldn't agree with me.
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mountainmom5
Joined: 30 Aug 2007
Posts: 3097
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#7 · Posted: 6 Sep 2011 13:13
weebitty: Children need to know how to make choices and know there are consequences to each one. So you can paint a scenario to them and give them a picture and ask what they would choose to do? the problem with children I see now a days is they don't think before they do something. Even with that they make the wrong decision but at least you taught them how to make those choices and they will have to learn a painful lesson before they learn something. This is just my opinon. I am sure people wouldn't agree with me.
Totally agree with you! One of my favorite things to ask my teenagers when they get into trouble is " What are you going to do about that?" 
If we pounce on them and rant and rave about what a bad thing they have done (or are doing), we have robbed them of their responsibilty. I believe we as parents are there to train them ( by example!) and to guide them thru life.
But I DO trust my kids. I tell them that I will trust them until they give me a reason not to, and so far they have been okay. None of them have finished high school but only because they have bigger goals and dreams in life than the normal 'american dream'.
One (22) is married and in cancun with his wife right now, but he has been in full time ministry for several years. The next is 20 and has a full time job, has been to Africa and lived in several states.
The next is 16 and working on his GED, has a great job and saving up his money to go to Alaska this fall for a few months....and then I have two more to go.. one is 14 and is a freshman. He has his own lawncare business so he does odd jobs after school when he's not out hunting.
The last may be the hardest - 11 yr old girl with a feisty spirit. 
So far so good with her!
So don't be afraid to follow your gut with your kids. We buck many an opinion on how we raise ours but hey, they are OUR kids, and no one elses. LOL
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weebitty
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#8 · Posted: 6 Sep 2011 14:02 · Edited by: weebitty
It sounds as though you have lucked out with yours so far. But times have changed alot since your first one and the 11 year old now. Sometimes we have to change our stratagies with the changing times  but we want the best for our kids. but we have the basics for what works.
Maybe trust was a strong word but you know kids are going to try things. You were a kid once. they don't always do what they are told not to do. It just made me more watchful in case they were headed for trouble.
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mountainmom5
Joined: 30 Aug 2007
Posts: 3097
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#9 · Posted: 6 Sep 2011 14:05
yeah.. sorry I didn't mean to sound boasting... just wanted to shout out encouragement to parents that it can be done.
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Just2EZ
Joined: 14 Nov 2010
Posts: 732
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#10 · Posted: 6 Sep 2011 14:18 · Edited by: Just2EZ
Our house had/has an open door policy that works both ways.
They were free to leave if they didn't want to follow MOM's rules,
and they are always welcome to come back and start over again.
One came back at 30 with husband and daughter in tow.
As Visahl said, every thing happens in it's right time.
A parent's job is never done.
Just when you think you're done, along come grand kids. (6 for me)
Never shut the door to your heart or you are the one who loses.
Happened to a friend with her daughter, 10 years no contact.
Don't let that happen with yours, keep the door open.
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weebitty
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#11 · Posted: 6 Sep 2011 14:31
Yes you gave them a choice follow the rules or they were welcome to leave. Their decision. You do have to have rules to follow. We have a good relationship with our girls too. And yes a parents job is never done! LOL We think that we get them to 18 and that is it, our job is done. WRONG!
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gummywormlover
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Joined: 17 Sep 2011
Posts: 1
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#12 · Posted: 17 Sep 2011 18:40
Matilda
I think the best thing to do is to have a one on one conversation.Everyone deserve a second chance even if its her one hundredth time. Remember shes your flesh and blood
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haiden
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Joined: 14 Dec 2011
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#13 · Posted: 18 Jan 2012 20:27 · Edited by: haiden
I've not any children, nor experience raising them. I do however, like all of you, have my own experiences. I was once addicted to pain meds, which were given to me via doctors, for legit reasons.
I guess what I wish to convey here, which so many have... is to never, ever give up on your child. Nothing has worked, it's difficult, trust me on this I know. I was once her. The message you want to send is not one of strict authority. That is not to say you ought not be strict. Think of it this way, it is not always WHAT you say, but HOW you say it. As humans, we do not go just words alone. Look at how you approach her. Do you sound condescending? Are you pointing out what she does wrong? That is probably the incorrect way to approach her, or anyone for that matter. Try to not focus on her faults, but who she is as a person. Or rather, who she could be. If anything, always remember to be supportive. Listen sometimes, do not talk over her. If she feels you are listening, she WILL open up more. She sees you as the figure that has the ultimate control in the relationship. So, naturally, she will rebel. This is why kids find it easier to speak with friends. Friends do not (always) judge. They tend to listen. This is a very, very effective tool.
Edit: Most will say that you have to set limits. While this is true, you also have to consider how you'd react , even if you did wrong. You'd put up a wall. Forget this thing about "I am the parent, my rules, or leave". While , again, this is just how life is. You also have to consider that it . does. not. always. work. In fact, it never works. While you main regain the authority/respect, it will make things more difficult. The moral of the story is this, treat her as a human being FIRST, your child second. Period.
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Vishal P. Rao
Joined: 23 Jun 2005
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#14 · Posted: 18 Jan 2012 23:29 · Edited by: Vishal P. Rao
Good advice haiden. In other words - Treat everyone like you would like to be treated.
If you religiously follow this rule (from your heart), you would never have any enemies and people will flock to you.
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haiden
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#15 · Posted: 18 Jan 2012 23:50
Yes, exactly. It is a tough thing to do, seperate ourselves from our roles, i.e. mother/father/etc, but this is what we must do, imo. I cannot stress enough, though, that I do not suggest total anarchy of the family life, if that makes sense? I am merely suggesting as Vishal also proclaims. If we treat one another as equals, as in human beings, put ourselves in the shoes of others once in a while, we may just make it through life happily.
Unless someone is so evil as to, say, take a life, or whatever, they deserve as many chances as it takes. Understanding and compassion are the only way to understand why people do as they do.
Do not make threats, do not aggregate. Do not use sarcasm. Be as open as you can be.
I believe we go through life like this, because we feel lost, like we are separated. As if we are all different. Well, we are different, but at the core, where it truly matters, we are the same. In that we all want to be loved, understood. To have one show us compassion, ESPECIALLY in those times we do not seem to want it, or deserve it. Sorry, I strayed a bit. Though, I say that any situation , including this one we are presented with, can be overcome through understanding.
It is like what Gandhi said, as well as many other... (Not an exact quote, just the idea) - If you treat people with kindness , they will , eventually, respond in kind. As frustrating as it will be in doing so, this is VERY important for their development as a human being. That is to say, so that they/we, learn how to live as we were meant to - With love.
OK, thats enough of that hippie crap. Hopefully that was all somehow relevant.
Now I cannot sleep. Must.Stop.Thinking.So.Much
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haiden
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#16 · Posted: 26 Jan 2012 04:12
Hm, any update for us, Matilda? I do hope all is going well for you and yours.
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